Dispelling the myths of kink. Everyone has one
Although fetishes and kinky sex has become more accepted in recent years, browsing the internet for new things to try with your partner is still mostly done in secret. Then you find out how exciting - and hot - it can be.
First, let’s explain the difference between a kink and a fetish. A kink is defined as a sexual activity that falls outside of the type of sex that society considers as normal and acceptable, also referred to as “Vanilla”. It can include everything from role-play to bondage, and from using sex toys with each other to experimenting with whips or floggers. A fetish is an attraction to a particular object, item of clothing, sensation or a part of the body such as feet. A fetish is actually a type of kink.
The word fetish comes from the French fétiche and the Portugese word feitech, meaning "obsessive fascination.” It’s an idealisation of a concept. The technical term in psychology is paraphilia. According to a study by the University of Bologna, Italy, the most common fetishes deal with non-sexual parts of the body, and the foot fetish is the most common of them all.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James’s trilogy and the movies that followed, which normalised kinks and fetishes more than ever before. Let’s admit it, from tame to outrageous, we all love a little thrill because it sets the endorphins afloat in our bodies.
There’s a huge range of fantasies and settings to discover and things to try if you’re keen to spice things up with your lover. From dressing up in lace and leather, introducing your vibrator or a butt plug to your partner, or all the way to extreme BDSM that involves dominance and submission, bondage and pain, or anything else your kinky heart desires.
Top 10 Kinky Fantasies
- You’ll be surprised how many people, both men and women, love a good smack on the ass while having sex. Some enjoy nothing more than the crack of a whip.
- Virtual Sex. A recent survey from BDSM dating app KinkD reveals that kinky play via video call topped the list of kinks during the COVID-19 lockdown.
- Blindfolds and bondage. It’s one of the simplest ways to dabble in BDSM, and it’s fun to find out how a little restricting can tantalise your senses further.
- Dom/Sub. A relationship where one person (the submissive) gives power to another (the dominant) can be hugely exciting, but it requires communication and trust.
- Role Play. You and your partner can pretend to be entirely different people for the night. Get into the fun of it together, and let your imagination go.
- Being nude or having sex while others watch can be a huge turn on, if it’s consensual and everyone is happy and aware that you’re putting on a show.
- Watching your partner masturbate, or take a shower, or bringing another person in to have sex with them while you watch. It’s not unusual at all.
- Anal Play. Although scary for some, it can bring huge pleasure as your butt is full of nerves. For women, it can stimulate the G-spot and men may enjoy anal play as it stimulates the prostate, or P-spot. One warning: Don’t forget the lube.
- Have you met my wife? Fantasies about watching your partner have sex with someone else are common, especially among men. In fact, Men’s Health magazine found that 58% of men and 33% of women had fantasised about it.
- Orgasm Control. Also known as edging, it is stopping yourself from reaching an orgasm right when you’re on the cusp. The stop-start method may help you last longer, but it can also make your orgasm much more explosive when you finally give in.
When you investigate it all a bit more, you’ll find that there are a huge number of other fetishes and kinks around, from harmless to weird, and from objectionable to absolutely terrifying. The Bad Girls Bible, an online platform and podcast that provides guides and novel research about human sexuality and relationships since 2011, lists no less than 239 of them.
There are some really strange ones, such as getting caught in quicksand or falling down the stairs. Then there’s sploshing, which means incorporating food into your sex life and WAM (stands for wet and messy), where people cover their partner in shaving cream, baby oil, paint, or another slimy substance.
Another well-known phenomenon is fetishes in fashion. Think high heels and so-called fuck me boots, corsets and stockings, masks, ribbons, leather, glitter, sparkle, and of course the excitement of sex with a man or woman in uniform.
Enthusiastic and continuous consent
Imagination is a powerful and beautiful thing, but not every fantasy or fetish is safe, legal, hygienic, or right to act upon. Just think of frotteurism, the fetish of touching strangers in a crowded place. That’s better known as “groping,” which is non-consensual so definitely not okay.
It’s true that lots of people have preferences that are kinky, and that certainly doesn't mean they are perverts or that they have issues. Exploring your kinks is about communicating openly, only doing things you find really hot, and giving and receiving excitement and good feelings for everyone involved.
No matter what you and your lover are into, kinky sex is about consent, communication, and compromise. Expressing your sexual desires is one of the healthiest things you can do for your sex life. Just make sure to get your boundaries and safe words all laid out.
When fetishes are repressed rather than expressed, it can take a toll on your relationship. Feeling free to discuss and explore your kinks and fantasies is healthy. As long as it is safe and there’s enthusiastic consent, everyone deserves to explore, have fun, and pursue their own. Who knows, your kink may be more common than you think.