Curious about BDSM? – Remember July
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Curious about BDSM?

Posted by Katie Montgomery on
BDSM Kink Accessories

Curious about BDSM?

Without diving straight into a DOM/sub relationship or booking a private dungeon for the night, you should know that a little curiosity about BDSM is nothing unusual. In fact, you are hardly alone with the modern BDSM trend moving from sub culture to the high street. Plenty of people just like you are exploring kinky sex or look for ways to make their sex lives more exciting by experimenting with power dynamics, sex toys and bondage accessories.

Researchers who surveyed 19,370 Aussies in 2007 found that 2 percent of men and 1.4 percent of women call themselves committed to BDSM. That doesn’t sound like a lot but we’re talking about those fully commitment to the lifestyle here. Broader surveys show that it is more like half of the respondents have fantasies about BDSM and kink. Just think, that’s 50% of people you know. Half your work colleagues, the same normal people you see every day shopping at Woolies are thinking BDSM.

Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, rough kinky sex or whatever you want to call it is not for everyone, but it’s become pretty mainstream. The Oz Kink Fest, Australia's biggest 10-day LGBTIQA+, sexuality and alternative lifestyle festival and fetish expo, always draws a huge crowd. It’s on again in Melbourne in October 2021, so check it out if you’re interested.

If you’re keen to explore, we’ll soon talk about the best and safest way to approach it but again, keep in mind that BDSM is not for everyone. If you're worried your sex is "too vanilla", remember that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to getting it on. If you and your partner(s) like what you're doing, there's no need to switch it up for the sake of meeting someone else's standards.

The fact that so many others are into BDSM does not mean you need to try it. When it comes to sex and dating you make your own rules, and the number one rule is to respect boundaries, both theirs and your own. All that really matters is the comfort, pleasure and enthusiastic consent of both you and your partner(s).

Now where do we start?

The first thing you need to do is communicate with your partner. Make sure you’re on the same page before bringing anything to do with BDSM into the bedroom. You must both be totally clear about what you’re willing to try and decide on what’s too far outside of your comfort zone. Again, there must be a fully engaged, non-pressured, and totally happy “yes” from both of you. Single? Then do whatever you like. Self-education is the single BDSM players best accessory.

When exploring your kinks, there’s no need to rush into creating your own basement of pain. Do your research, go slow and take your time. It’s easy to overindulge. Start gentle with a blindfold, let your partner tickle you with a feather or stroke you with a flogger. If that turns you both on, you can try bondage play or explore the sensation of playful spanking. This should be about having fun and exploring new parts of your desire.

Speak your truth

Honesty is hugely important in BDSM. ​The person you are getting it on with needs to know if you have health concerns, emotional triggers, and turn-offs. If you really don’t want anal, make sure you’ve said so. Your partner is not a mind-reader and does not instinctively know your needs, wants, and limits. If the person you’re thinking about engaging in BDSM activities with doesn't ask you these questions, make sure you speak up before you let loose.

BDSM means different things to different people. There is no set-in-stone formula except that you and your partner(s) find what works for you. All you really need is trust, communication, consent - and a willingness to try.

For some people, BDSM is a way to spice up their relationships. Some couples only play rough on the weekends or when the kids are out of the house. For others, people who describe themselves as "24-7 D/s", it is a way of life.

Basically, healthy BDSM is when two or more adults enthusiastically agree to exchange energy, sensations or experiences - no matter how mild or extreme - in a way that makes them feel good. If there are any issues or disagreements, they should be discussed openly and respectfully.

Safe words are essential

BDSM is about trust and respecting each other’s boundaries. A safe word is a word or signal that ends the BDSM play instantly, and it's the best way of ensuring you can maximise pleasure without either of you getting hurt - either physically or emotionally.

Your safe word can be any word, but “stop" may not be the best choice. It’s easy to say stop when you’re being tickled or smacked but do you really want it to stop? A neutral and random word that has no relevance to what you’re doing, such as “golf”, makes more sense if you want it to stop.  

The traffic light system is another option for BDSM beginners. You'd say "green" if you're enjoying what your partner's doing and want them to go for it. "Yellow" can be said if you want to tell them that they are getting a little too close to your hard limits, and "red" obviously means you want it to stop immediately.

A safe signal is a nonverbal cue you can use to show that you have reached your limit as it’s hard to say “pineapple” when you have a gag in your mouth. You could tap out like wrestlers do, blink three times, or hold an item in your hand and drop it when you can’t take it anymore.

BDSM and sex toys

Sex toys are perfect for BDSM play and a quality blindfold, handcuffs, a nice feather tickler or a leather spanking paddle are a great choice for your starter kit. A leather flogger is also a good option for beginners who want to get a taste of the pain-is-pleasure vibe. For the more advanced, there are things like ball gags, chastity belts, nipple clamps, bondage hoods, mouth spreaders, spreader bars, ropes and more.

Vibrators are a great addition to solo, partnered, and multi-partnered sex. Orgasm denial and forced orgasm are popular in BDSM, and a wand vibrator or vibrating cock ring are useful for both of these. Whatever you choose, there’s a great range of toys available to play with on your kinky journey, just make sure the ones you choose are made from quality materials and high-grade body safe silicone.

Bondage sex literally gets hotter with the use of a touch massage candle and they are a great choice for beginners. Using a candle will inflict a little pain, but the wax won’t burn the skin. Choose a beautifully scented one made from all-natural soy wax, shea butter and apricot kernel oil. When lit, the wax melts into an exquisite pool of massage oil that nurtures and absorbs into the skin.

After-care is important

Making sure that everyone is okay and happy after playing is hugely important. It gently brings someone back to reality from the fantasy of play and helps them feel grounded again. After care is about paying attention to your partner’s physical, mental and emotional needs. In BDSM, there are often spikes of endorphins and adrenaline, especially if you’re doing something intense.

When the play is over, take off all the BDSM gear like the blindfold, ropes, or restraints. Switch to a soft and gentle voice and reassure that everything is okay. Get comfortable and talk about how the experience made you both feel.  Make sure to hydrate and have a bottle of water nearby.

After care can include a massage, cuddling, or taking a warm shower or bubble bath together. If your partner wants to be left alone for a while to reflect, meditate or sleep, let them be. It’s all about mutual respect and making sure that all is well and calm.

Finally, remember that BDSM is a process. It can be as simple or as technical as you want. Every person and every experience is unique. With a positive attitude, open communication, lots of trust and consensual actions, introducing BDSM can be hugely positive for you and your relationships.

If you're curious about exploring it with your partner, have an honest and open discussion with each other and take baby steps. Don’t let socially constructed taboos get in the way of your pleasure. It’s awesome to feel liberated and in touch with your desires, regardless of your sexuality and lifestyle. Have fun, stay safe, keep communicating, and enjoy.

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